Happily married to a beautiful woman, I don’t want to touch anyone else’s breasts, so don’t even bother sending me an invitation to touch your breasts. I will reply, “No way, sister!”
However, looking at other women’s breasts is another matter. It’s not like I have a choice. All straight men need to look at female bodies, all gay men need to look at male bodies. (With women, I could not make any such sweeping generalizations. This article would have to be 10,000 words for me to try to explain female sexuality and even then I’d probably get it 49% wrong.)
The only real difference between men is whether we are discreet about our eyeball investigations or not. Good men realize that if you are talking to a woman, even the most man-sympathetic woman out there, she will not like it if your eyes stay too long on her chest. So we look up, sometimes reluctantly. This is especially difficult when talking with a woman in a low-cut top and/or a push-up bra. Sometimes, clothes like that make us wonder, Does she want attention to be paid to her breasts, or did she dress like that because it’s warm? If in doubt, it’s safest to assume the latter.
The “look but don’t touch” rule applies to both sides of our marriage. My wife can swoon over Fabio, for example, as much as she wants, but if that buff supermodel from the ‘90s ever shows up at our house, she’s allowed nothing more than a brief handshake.
(After showing this article to my wife, she insisted that I tell readers that she does not find Fabio attractive at all and that she thinks it’s bizarre that I used him as an example of male sexiness. “There are much more attractive men than Fabio out there,” she claims. Hmm — I think the lady doth protest too much. I’m going to have to do some research, see if Fabio’s planning to do any modelling work in the Hamilton fashion scene. If so, that’s when I’ll take my wife out of town on vacation, so there’s no chance of them meeting.)
Anyway, back to breasts. I read somewhere that only one third of a breast is used in the production of milk. The other two thirds of the breast, apparently, serve no function other than sexual pleasure, both for the woman who owns the breast and for her partner. Breasts also serve as flags, announcing to society that the person attached to them is not male, not a little girl, but a woman. Sexual attention is not always appreciated by women, who would sometimes rather be left alone or talked-to in a non-flirtatious way. When sexual attention drifts into sexual harassment, that’s clearly bad. But, on the other hand, despite the occasional problem, most women like appropriate sexual attention very much and put a lot of effort into attracting it.
So, guys, be polite about looking at breasts, but don’t feel guilty or ashamed about it. Most women know how men react to them; they’ve been living in that fascinating body for years; they’re used to it. Sneek a peak now and then, in a subtle and discreet way. If you absolutely must stare, say to the woman something like: “Excuse me, but I’m having a hard time not staring at your breasts right now. Could we take a 30-second break in our conversation, so that I can focus on your chest? After that, I assure you, we’ll resume our conversation with my undivided attention.” If she agrees — and what man-sympathetic woman would not, when addressed with such flattering honesty? — it may take your relationship to a better, more honest level. If you’re both single, you might even get to touch them. However, before trying to touch a woman’s breasts, it’s traditional to kiss first and whisper nice things in her ear. Then, if she seems to be enjoying herself so far, go for a grab!
To women: We thank all of you, and every single one of your breasts, for making the world magic.