Breasts: Two Reasons To Go On Living

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Happily married to a beautiful woman, I don’t want to touch anyone else’s breasts, so don’t even bother sending me an invitation to touch your breasts. I will reply, “No way, sister!”

However, looking at other women’s breasts is another matter. It’s not like I have a choice. All straight men need to look at female bodies, all gay men need to look at male bodies. (With women, I could not make any such sweeping generalizations. This article would have to be 10,000 words for me to try to explain female sexuality and even then I’d probably get it 49% wrong.)

The only real difference between men is whether we are discreet about our eyeball investigations or not. Good men realize that if you are talking to a woman, even the most man-sympathetic woman out there, she will not like it if your eyes stay too long on her chest. So we look up, sometimes reluctantly. This is especially difficult when talking with a woman in a low-cut top and/or a push-up bra. Sometimes, clothes like that make us wonder, Does she want attention to be paid to her breasts, or did she dress like that because it’s warm? If in doubt, it’s safest to assume the latter.

The “look but don’t touch” rule applies to both sides of our marriage. My wife can swoon over Fabio, for example, as much as she wants, but if that buff supermodel from the ‘90s ever shows up at our house, she’s allowed nothing more than a brief handshake.

(After showing this article to my wife, she insisted that I tell readers that she does not find Fabio attractive at all and that she thinks it’s bizarre that I used him as an example of male sexiness. “There are much more attractive men than Fabio out there,” she claims. Hmm — I think the lady doth protest too much. I’m going to have to do some research, see if Fabio’s planning to do any modelling work in the Hamilton fashion scene. If so, that’s when I’ll take my wife out of town on vacation, so there’s no chance of them meeting.)

Anyway, back to breasts. I read somewhere that only one third of a breast is used in the production of milk. The other two thirds of the breast, apparently, serve no function other than sexual pleasure, both for the woman who owns the breast and for her partner. Breasts also serve as flags, announcing to society that the person attached to them is not male, not a little girl, but a woman. Sexual attention is not always appreciated by women, who would sometimes rather be left alone or talked-to in a non-flirtatious way. When sexual attention drifts into sexual harassment, that’s clearly bad. But, on the other hand, despite the occasional problem, most women like appropriate sexual attention very much and put a lot of effort into attracting it.

So, guys, be polite about looking at breasts, but don’t feel guilty or ashamed about it. Most women know how men react to them; they’ve been living in that fascinating body for years; they’re used to it. Sneek a peak now and then, in a subtle and discreet way. If you absolutely must stare, say to the woman something like: “Excuse me, but I’m having a hard time not staring at your breasts right now. Could we take a 30-second break in our conversation, so that I can focus on your chest? After that, I assure you, we’ll resume our conversation with my undivided attention.” If she agrees — and what man-sympathetic woman would not, when addressed with such flattering honesty? — it may take your relationship to a better, more honest level. If you’re both single, you might even get to touch them. However, before trying to touch a woman’s breasts, it’s traditional to kiss first and whisper nice things in her ear. Then, if she seems to be enjoying herself so far, go for a grab!

To women: We thank all of you, and every single one of your breasts, for making the world magic.

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27 responses

  1. […] I checked out a new follower of my blog, and the feminist in me actually enjoyed his posts, Breasts: Two Reasons to go on Living and Butts: Behind Every Great Woman Stands a Man, Ogling Her Inappropriately. They were pure […]

  2. I agree with your wife, Fabio is far from being the sexiest man ever. I didn’t even like him in his prime when he was doing all of those commercials. Thanks for the follow, I really enjoy your blog!

    1. Thanks for relieving my insecurity and anxiety regarding Mr. Fabio. Next time I go to a restaurant, I’ll think of that scene in your book …

      1. Just remember, your waiter will most likely be real, so you might not want to stab him in the hand with a fork.

        1. Then I’ll just bludgeon him with a spoon, then. Hope your book is a big hit!

  3. I like breasts, too,especially that red head’s at the top of your post. Day-um. Even chicks like looking at boobies (is it just me?) Anyways, did you know that SMALL breasted women have much more sensitivity in their breasts?Google it. True story.

    Fabio? That’s creepy. There are so many Hot Guys right now. My personal fave is Josh Hutcherson. I’ve had a thing for him since FIrehouse Dog, which is a little weird, since he was 14 when he made that. Not really.

    Thanks for the follow. I need funny comments to break up the (sometimes) intense discussion on my blog, so please come spar with me anytime. I dig funny bloggers. I’m following back, sir. Who knew lawyers could be so funny?

    1. Small boobies are beautiful, I agree! I’m glad you find my stuff funny. Your articles are quite intense and challenging, which is obviously what you are after; well-written too! I was in the audience for that Lolapallooza you write of, just north of Toronto, but I missed the poetry slam. All the best to you and your family.

  4. Very funny-won’t say anything else as I will put my foot in my mouth (or bra)
    Thanks for following-ana

  5. As a woman, I actually found this post very amusing and somewhat scientifically and factually correct. Give this man an award! :)

    Heather xxx

    1. Thanks, Heather. I’ll take that award — what shape is the award statue? Oh, hold on, I can imagine …

      1. Tall and round in all the right places….. :-)

        1. Sounds perfect. I can’t wait for the Purolator courier to deliver it!

  6. As I always tell my wife—I am just looking at the menu, I have no intentions of ordering anything!

    1. If I ever get caught over-staring, I’ll try that line. Thanks!

  7. Can we soon expect another on guys who go for behinds?

    1. That will be a difficult one to research until spring. What with the multiple layers of bulky clothes every woman wears outside for this crazy-cold winter, it’s really hard to see much of their sweet cabooses … But in the spring, ah, the return of the sun and the warm breeze will encourage more female body display, so I can research butts then … Thanks for the comment; I was a bit nervous as to how my female readers would react. But I seem to have not stepped on any gender-politics landmines. Whew!

      1. You’re welcome. I was also going to say something about the triple-breasted young woman in your illustration, but thought that might be too much of a good thing (for you), so didn’t.

        1. Hope you enjoyed Fabio!

          1. I did indeed — quite a bit more now that I am a dirty old woman than I did when both Fabio and I were in our prime(s). Thank you for that. (He could still do with a haircut, though.)

  8. Gee, sure wish you had been around when I was young and naive. I could have used that “Excuse me” line. Then the women would have fallen all over themselves to be with me. But unfortunately I am way to in a relationship for that anymore.

  9. Loved this, Mark. Really funny and more than helpful in explaining an unavoidable preoccupation. It made me think of an SNL skit in which a race of large-breasted alien women come to Earth. Their eyes are not located on their faces but on their breasts. “Over time, our race evolved this way so that we could talk to the male species eye-to-eye…”

    1. Thanks, Ned. Your blog is really funny too. I need to YouTube that SNL episode!

      1. You’re welcome, Mark! Kirstie Alley was the guest host on that SNL episode. All I remember was that the alien women were from the planet Mylop.

        Oh, and I remember their boobs…

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