How, you ask, did she earn this award? No, it’s not because my mom always takes a taxi home after getting sloshed on cheap bourbon shots at the local dive-bar. (That never happened, by the way — she’s not a bourbon fan. Merlot, however …)
Anyway, what my mom actually did to deserve the award was this:
She was sitting in the passenger seat of my dad’s car in the parking lot of a local strip mall, waiting while my dad was inside a store. My mom saw a middle-aged guy walking past her, on the sidewalk by the parking lot. He was staggering side to side and twice swerved off the pavement, colliding with a parked car. He walked into the liquor store. He must have been skilled at the art of acting sober during brief social encounters, because the staff sold him a paper bag full of bottles. He left the store and again staggered past my mom, bottles clinking in the bag. He went to a car and, after lengthy negotiations with the inside of his pocket, managed to take out his key and open the car and get in.
My mom, horrified, called the police. She’s not the sort of person who would do that about some people smoking a joint or a prostitute soliciting or something non-dangerous like that, but drunk driving — on icy winter streets, especially — is a whole other story.
This idiot could have killed someone, but hadn’t yet done so by the time the police pulled him over. They caught him on a street which is a 20-minute drive from our house, under the best of conditions. He was probably drinking from his freshly-bought bottles as he drove. If he was in fact drinking WHILE driving, which I deplore, I at least hope he did so straight out of the bottle, as it would have posed extra danger if he’d been distracted by finding a clean glass in the glove compartment and then opening and pouring the booze, then opening and pouring the mix, then the ice cubes, then stirring it, then maybe cutting a lemon wedge to put on the rim — or coating the rim with spiced salt, if the fool happens to be a Bloody Caesar man — all while driving intoxicated through downtown Hamilton — no, that would make an unsafe situation even unsafer.)
Apparently, when pulled over, he was unable to communicate with the police officers and had a breathalyzer result around three times higher than the legal limit. I hope he loses his licence for years.
And I hope my mom knows we’re proud of her. (My dad too, though for different reasons.)
To celebrate my mom’s attack on crime, I’d like to take my mom out tonight to a local dive, like Olde McFisty’s Tavern or The Creeping Cauliflower. Until it’s last call and our taxi arrives, mom, I’m paying for the shots o’ cheap bourbon! Or, if you prefer, the bottles of expensive Merlot.
Readers: I’m taking a break from this blog until January, though I’ll still check comments and follow other bloggers.
During that time, I ask you to check some of my older pieces in the archives — I think some of my funniest stuff was written near the beginning. You may agree!
Stay safe, have fun and drive sober!
See you all on January 2, 2014 or so …
Lots of Love and Laughter,